Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
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Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
My purse is deeper than some people.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]