Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
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Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
me and the Superbowl rn
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”