Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
You Might Also Like
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
And that about sums it up.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?