Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
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“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.