Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
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I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.