@KentWGraham: MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
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@philco816: Feed your kids soup for dinner, so you can sit at the table for 47 minutes and listening to slurping.
@Gentlemenhood: Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
@gtfml: When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
@SocialustGal13: My superpower is making red lights turn green simply by trying to write a tweet.