MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
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Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic