MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
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Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”