Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
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oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
How to draw a duck
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?