Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
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The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
gm
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.