Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
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just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
Netflix and you sit over there.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do