Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
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*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner