Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
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Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!