Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
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Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
If I ignore life will it go away?