Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
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Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔