Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
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Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
I’ve been drinking.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides