@TheAlexP: Married men aren't allowed to go the grocery store alone because we're the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
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@WarrenHolstein: Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn't breaking news. It's been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
@LaziestCanine: First date: [ok, don't let her know you're a t-rex] Her: I absolutely love it when guys open the car door for me Me: Shit.
@PajamaBen_: "The Sun is dying. We need help" the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades "It's daylight savings time"