@ericsshadow: I've made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they're both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.

@ElliotHetherton: [date] Her: tell me something about yourself Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man Her: ... Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards

@Burtslorp: *Jesus looks over bill from last supper* "It looks like a fair tip would be about 30 silver." "I got this!" Judas yells, almost too quickly.

@trojansauce: [rap battle] *drops the mic* *scrambles around trying to pick up the mic* [20min earlier] *other guy covering my mic in butter*

@normwilner: Spider-Man Spider-Man Does whatever a spider can Spins a web Any size Catches thieves Eats those guys Hey wait Don't do that Spider-Man