Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
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I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids