@TheAlexP: Married men aren't allowed to go the grocery store alone because we're the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
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@ericsshadow: I've made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they're both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
@ElliotHetherton: [date] Her: tell me something about yourself Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man Her: ... Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
@Burtslorp: *Jesus looks over bill from last supper* "It looks like a fair tip would be about 30 silver." "I got this!" Judas yells, almost too quickly.
@trojansauce: [rap battle] *drops the mic* *scrambles around trying to pick up the mic* [20min earlier] *other guy covering my mic in butter*