@TheAlexP: Married men aren't allowed to go the grocery store alone because we're the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
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@AlanFelyk: Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
@EJGomez: when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say"thank god"
@Token_Geezer: The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
@foodfacenow: At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.