Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
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*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”