Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
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If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou