[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
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I miss getting my misinformation from less places
#catsoftwitter
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
584.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.