[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
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“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.