[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
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If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
My favorite type of men is ramen.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog