[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
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Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER