[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
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Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”