@dubstep4dads: Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you. Me: He didn't. But watch this. [I make the doll do a backflip] Judge: Holy shit lol

@1BigMick: If you believe the home alarm commercials, the first thing burglars do when they break into your home is smash your family pictures.

@UNTRESOR: Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?

@MelvinofYork: I just told my boss that "STFU" stands for "Sincere Thanks For Understanding" and it's REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise

@mattvbrady: im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything...