Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
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Friday
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
British people be like I’m Bri ish
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser