Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
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Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
i will avenge u mr van gogh
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.