Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
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My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.