Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
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Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball