#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
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man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
lol
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
I love you to the refrigerator and back
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.