Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
You Might Also Like
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.