*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
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So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
Carpe DM
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.