Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
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everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N