Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
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Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading