@karencheee: Marrying my gay friend bc it's important for couples to have common interests and we are both interested in men!
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@tastefactory: [robbers outside bank] When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks "But can't u feel your pores really opening up?"
@ComedicBust: When my co-worker asked me if I wanted anything from the vending machine, I can tell she wasn't expecting me to say 4 Snickers bars.
@salmarch79: Whenever my wife forces me to write my own message on a bday card, I write it on top of her's and copy exactly what she wrote.
@JKNenagh: I often worry about the safety of my children ... Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.