FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
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Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…