For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
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Hmmmmm
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
This is no longer winter this is harassment
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*