Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
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“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?