Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
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[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.