Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
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I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
#Caturday
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”