[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
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me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
New menu item
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
There are usually two types of merchants.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.