[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
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watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
it is time once again
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.