Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
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Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Finally
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line