Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
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Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)