@OhNoSheTwitnt: Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can't possible afford.
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@AbrasiveGhost: ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where's the nuke button ADVISOR: why ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
@NurseMurderer: grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa? me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
@rachelle_mandik: most vending-machine shaking incidents are elaborate coverups by people who don't want to be seen hugging the machine and saying i love you