Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
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Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
You sure about that?
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while