@Marmel: Martin Shkreli in jail: "Can I have an aspirin?"
Jail: "Yes. That will be $197,000."
@fivethirtyeight: Becoming hard to tell difference between credible news organizations like 4chan and troll sites like New York Post.
@KimmyMonte: *takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn't moved in 8 years.
@SarahB_D: If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
@Michael_Erhart: Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* "Figures."
@truegritrumble: (First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You're supposed to deliver those.