@Marmel: Martin Shkreli in jail: "Can I have an aspirin?"
Jail: "Yes. That will be $197,000."
@StevieKnip: *pretends floor is lava*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
@seancoleran: Girlfriend: Why is this broom broken? Did you draw a lightning bolt on the cat? Are you writing with a feather?
@Brampersandon_: ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
@naughty_aditi: Me: I'm gonna lose weight.
Me: I'm gonna exercise every day.
Me: I'm gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
@POTerritory: What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?