@Marmel: Martin Shkreli in jail: "Can I have an aspirin?"
Jail: "Yes. That will be $197,000."
@beefman138: I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
@ElCorf: "I like my women how I like my sunglasses...
Sitting on my face..."
@sarcasticmommy4: Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
@barkingtrees: [examining human DNA]
Okay, that's one twisted step ladder.
@bazecraze: Mom is coming to town. I get three full days of mouthing apologies to waiters.