@Marmel: Martin Shkreli in jail: "Can I have an aspirin?"
Jail: "Yes. That will be $197,000."
@eudaimonium: Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn't throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
@weinerdog4life: Wanna piss a rhinoceros off? Hang his car keys on his nose.
@JimmerThatisAll: If money can't buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
@Bmittone: I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
@AngelaEhh: Go to bed barstool. You're drunk