Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
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Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?