@Marmel: Martin Shkreli in jail: "Can I have an aspirin?"
Jail: "Yes. That will be $197,000."
@iamk1ts: Men: The Only creature blessed with the superpowers to make Any machine a smoke machine in kitchen especially when his wife isn't home.
@charliedelta7: An apple a day can keep ANYONE away if you throw it really hard at their face
@hippieswordfish: my goth girlfriend says she likes me for who i am on the inside (a skeleton)
@_Prozach74: Come here and listen close and carefully, I'm going to slowly explain what condescending means? Go ahead and take notes if needed.
@Robert_Beau: It's so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.