How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
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you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.