@usermcuserface: Marty McFly had horrible parents. Sure teenage son, hang around with the weirdo scientist who lives alone and drives a windowless truck.
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@itshotterhere: Apparently, if you jump out of a plane wearing parachute pants, it doesn't break your fall at all. But you can carry about a hundred combs.
@joe_binkley: Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge... Rest in peace. Friend: I'm so sorry for your loss. Me: Oh, she's not dead, she's just really lazy.
@ibid78: [financial advisor] based on your income and savings you can retire at age 116 [me] *slips her $100* let's make it 112 [her] now it's 120
@TheWoodenslurpy: It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.