You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
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9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
thanksgiving in nutshell
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.