I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
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Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
This hospital has everything
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
March 16
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*