Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
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Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.