can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
You Might Also Like
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
When you’re here for the treats.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!