Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
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JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.